"If I had to pick I'd have a hard time choosing between on my knees, getting fucked hard from the back, or lying on the bed, on my back, with him standing. Is that what you wanted to know?"

"No, I - although the standing thing is interesting --" John was half-running, half-skipping to keep up with Aeryn who was moving so fast through Moya's cargo holds that he was beginning to realize she really didn't want him to keep up.

"Your species is so frail. At least with him standing he didn't complain about his back."

John's hand shot out, caught Aeryn around the upper arm and spun her around.

"I don't. Have any problems. With my back."

With every word John pulled her closer.

"I wasn't talking about you. I was talking about him."

She strained away.

"He's me."

"He's dead. And he was my lover. You aren't."

"I could be." So close, and his breath, warm and moist, stirred her hair where it had worked its way free, curling against her forehead. "I want to be." She could just feel the velvet edge of his soft mouth as he leaned into her, his words whispering into her ear and touching her like fingertips. "God, Aeryn. You loved me once."

"NO!"

Tearing herself out of his hands she backed up, felt the sweat bead on her forehead. But it wasn't the same. It wasn't the same. "He knew exactly how to slide his fingers far up inside me and curl them so that I came so hard I couldn't breathe for what felt like hours." She was advancing on him now, her eyes furious, words tumbling. "He knew that even if I tried to roll away, if he kept me close and kept on kissing me - " she snapped her fingers, " - I'd want him again, even when I insisted that three orgasms was plenty!"

John knew what retreat felt like, spread his hands in a surrendering gesture because Aeryn looked like she was about to draw her weapon. He couldn't do anything about the shape of his pants and he realized that she knew and didn't care and that made him consider crying instead of screaming though screaming was his next plan. "That's not what I - I didn't ask!"

"Yes you did. You asked why not. I'm telling you why not." Aeryn's finger started to poke him in the chest for emphasis; John suspected it was going to leave a bruise. "He knew that I didn't want him to touch me when I was sucking him because I liked being free to concentrate on the way he felt on my tongue. The way he tasted. The way he sounded. For as long as I could make it last. For as long as I could keep him there."

Oh Jesus Christ, those were tears in her eyes, and John realized that if she let them go, he was going to cry too. Everything he did hurt her - hurt them. Suddenly he realized why she wanted him to give up.

But he couldn't.

"Aeryn. Please. He was me. And I'm right here. We both loved you. But goddammit, I'm still here. Let me - Anything. I want to hold you. God, please."

He reached out a hand to enfold hers where she'd left it, in the air between them.

Stroked his thumb, slowly, over the spot where he could feel her pulse, beating below her skin.

Stepped close to her again.

"I will feel the same. Taste the same, sound the same. Because we were the same. Want you just the same."

She just looked him in the eye and smiled -- oh God no, not that smile, not a happy smile, a slow, bitter smile -- and shook her head just a little. "No. You think you know. But he and I, we learned all those things about each other, together. We were there. And that was me. And that was all I had. He had me. And he knew." And she took her hand away from his. "And you don't."

"Aeryn." John's voice was rising, higher, louder, as she walked away. "AERYN! I can't believe you're blaming me for being alive! Are you saying you feel nothing for me? Only him? That fucker who went and died on you?"

From the shadows at the edge of the cargo bay she turned and looked at him. Wagged a finger back and forth. Uh uh. Such a human gesture, such an Earth gesture, and for a second he could see what she was driving at, realized that he couldn't guess how much they'd had that he'd never know about, even though the guy had been him.

Because he hadn't taught her that.

"Careful," she said with that admonishing gesture before she faded completely out of sight. "You're talking about the man I love."